Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
