bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
