I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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