We won't sleep together?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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