That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
