I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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