he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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