Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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