her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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