And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
