it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
