Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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