girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
