i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
