Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
dude. I can hear the air.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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