I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize