WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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