I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
