Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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