What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
