If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I licked your asshole in confidence.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
