When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
