why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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