Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just pee around me
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
