The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
