4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
