Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
