There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
