Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
