you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
