thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
