are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
