she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
