advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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