So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hippo gnu deer
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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