I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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