I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
