about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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