You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Randomize
