Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
