im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
