Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
