I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You need a sexual gate keeper
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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