My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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