sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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