can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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