Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
