He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
