he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
