i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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