I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
