i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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