If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
