So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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