Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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