I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize