you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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