If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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