I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
