Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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