I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
