just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
