3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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