I want to make a zoo with you.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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